Tag Archives: religion

01.18.16
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Irish Government Wiped Out By Alien Parasite

Ireland has been left without government  after a xenobiological infestation exterminated a large part of the Oireachtas. Earlier today senator Paul Bradford stumbled into Leinster House, the 18th-century Ducal Palace which acts as repository for the Irish government’s physical shells and moral views, with a scaled alien parasite affixed to his face. When security guards attempted to help with the horrific biological trauma being he hissed “There’s no such thing as an alien abnormality” before collapsing.

Taoiseach Enda Kenny swiftly leapt into action, pledging to establish constitutional convention to examine the issue, and whose convention’s recommendations would then be put to an Oireachtas committee, which would then explore possibly establishing a framework for future legislation, but only if Fine Gael was re-elected, following the dissolution of the current Dáil. The last part of this statement was relayed by radio as he had side-stepped the issue so far he was now in Cork. Unfortunately his deflections didn’t divert alien parasites which leapt from Bradford’s exploding corpse to infect several more TDs.

Health Minister Leo Varadkar rushed to the bleeding and inflated deputies to apply emergency spin. He urged considered and careful debate on the alien parasite issue. He pointed out that there would never be any such thing as a perfect solution, and that the mounds of bleeding bodies and ruined lives he was standing directly on top of as Health Minister — a pile which had doubled in size during his rhetoric, leaving him standing knee-deep in blood and gore– were no evidence at all.

When one security guard suggested destroying the alien parasites before they emerged he was threatened with a fourteen year jail sentence, and told to be grateful as before it would have been life imprisonment. Another guard suggested just leaving the Dáil but was reminded that many people couldn’t afford to just leave Irish institutions behind forever no matter how many problems it would solve.

The most recent reports from the speaker of the emergency committee of surviving Dáil members said “Hssssssssssssss!” and extended a second pair of jaws from inside its regular jaws, dripping acid which burned the floor. It then announced plans to rescind the water charges and is expected to sweep the next election.

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07.03.15
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Vatican Begins Construction of Large Camel Compressor

The Vatican City State bas broken ground on a project advancing the frontiers of theological research, excavating crypts and tombs below the walled enclave to begin construction of the Large Camel Compressor.

“Matthew 19:24 tells us that Jesus said ‘It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of god‘” said Experimental Sacrament leader Monsignor Croseus. “But in the last two thousand years the Vatican has more wealth than even existed in Jesus’ time. We need to investigate if Jesusian charity still applies in this extremely high wealth regime. Leading Opulo-theological researchers from the Instituto per le Opere di Religione theorize an ultra-relativistic regime of charity, where a Pope can command billions of euros and yet live charitably if he lives in a slightly less luxurious palace than his predecessors.”

“I mean, it would be pretty silly if the Pope lived in conditions blatantly and defiantly opposed to Jesus’s teachings.”

Tunnel Boring Machine B6, once used to drill the Channel Tunnel, has been recommissioned for the project. It has also been entirely coated in gold plate so that the bones of any saints powdered by its progress might still technically reside in a reliquary expensive enough to feed an entire city block of the sick and needy, as per church tradition.

Designs for the Large Camel Compressor call for twenty-seven miles of marble hallway spiraling under the Vatican, entirely lined with priceless Renaissance art and frescos so that the camel might attain a suitably humble disposition while accelerating to threading velocity. The spiral centers on a Needle Chamber directly underneath St Peter’s dome. Work has already begun on a ten meter tall solid platinum needle.

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03.10.15
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Pope Francis Urges Faithful to BREED FOR THE BREED GOD

Pope Francis strode onto the balcony overlooking St Peter’s square wearing his finest magical-celibate robes to exhort the faithful. “BREED FOR THE BREED GOD! SOULS FOR THE SOUL THRONE!”

“God needs babies!” cried the Holy Father, who would get in serious trouble if he was ever actually a father. “It’s selfish not to have children! We didn’t quite exterminate all competing religions in the military phase of this Religion Time Strategy game, so now we need more workers in the economy phase. I mean, don’t get us wrong, we tried. We wiped out thousands of innocent paganisms and crusaded hard to slaughter the rest, but now it’s all about the numbers.”

“We need you to increase production” Francis continued, raising arms draped in brocaded robe to make a vigorous finger-through-ok gesture. “Wink wink” he added, out loud.

The International Hypocrisy Court remains unable to prosecute the Pope for these statements, as paintings of paintings of St Francis in the incalculable wealth-vault of the Vatican continue to overload their hypocrisy detectors.

“We haven’t exactly been subtle about this!” continued Francis. “Sexual health education, bodily autonomy, women’s rights, we’ve opposed anything and everything which might even slightly reduce the number of even accidental births, no matter the cost. But it’s not enough! Other religions still exist! Forget increasing our spiritual market share and ludicrous income, if people realize how there seem to be several dozen simultaneous one true gods, they might reach some absolutely basic but extremely inconvenient conclusions.”

He raised his arms to the sky.

“The Breed God cares not from whom the seed flows, only that it flows! Lay down more overcrowded faithful at His feet! Ask us how we’re sure He’s a He to see how modern our attitudes are! Souls for the soul throne! Because anyone who could look at the modern world and think ‘This needs a lot more people’ definitely isn’t going with ancient instructions instead of evidence.”

“Previous gods of suffering and bloodshed favored war. That’s amateur hour. Our god understands that the best way to maximize suffering and hardship is to pump out as many people as possible. Overload the resources! Collapse the system! The more people left desperate for succor, the better for us! We’ll get people back into church even if it’s the only standing room left for people who trying to avoid the Soylent trucks!”

Pope Francis then answered some questions from the crowd.

“No, I don’t think it’s hypocritical to guilt-trip people into having more children while talking about how Christian it is to protect the environment.”

“Yes, I still think you should hit kids. Jesus, stop going on about that. Have ’em, hit ’em, do what you like, just keep us on top of the census figures.”

“Of course people should take child-rearing advice from an organization which has to explain it’s not a euphemism when they say they’re in favor of having kids.”

More spiritual insight:

01.30.15
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Jesus Returns For His Cut Of The Money

This morning the Son of God descended to Earth in all his heavenly glory, shafts of light shining on his countenance, where beads of sweat glittered as he spake “Yeah, yeah, blessings and all that, do you have some of that money you’ve been collecting?” Choirs of angels sang his praises, but didn’t quite cover the sound of thunderous knocking on the clouds above, and shouts of “The Odinbank dost demand its gold!”

The Way and the Light landed in Saint Peter’s square, where Pope Francis insisted that none of the Catholic Church’s hundreds of billions of dollars in yearly income was currently stored in his vestments.

“There are many homes where my father lives”, explained the One True Savior, “And when you don’t flip them in time the interest gets pretty savage. And their debt collector carries a hammer. A hammer! Sweet me but he’s scary.”

“It turns out moneylenders are way harder to deal with when you can’t just violently smash up their stuff” added the Lord of Hosts, rubbing his most holy jaw and limping a little. “Honestly, as an unarmed pacifist I’m not sure how I got away with that the first time”

The Lamb of God whistled as entered St Paul’s basilica. “You guys have done alright for yourselves. No moneylenders in here, they couldn’t afford it. Any tax collectors? They owe me a favor.”

As storm clouds gathered over the Vatican it was explained that despite literally incalculable wealth, the Catholic Church doesn’t actually pay taxes. The King of Kings winced, sucking his teeth and explaining that while he would normally have a problem with that, now was a brilliant time for any rich men or even wealthy camels who wanted to work out entry into the Kingdom of Heaven. Christ the Lamb then winked, rubbing his thumb and fingertips together as lightning boomed above the dome.

At time of publication the Son of God is standing in St Peter’s square offering to turn bottled water into Romanée-Conti Burgundy at five euro a pop, but sales are poor owing to torrential rain.

More divine inspiration:

01.13.15
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Heavily-armed Fundamentalist Sect Apprehended In Major European City

Early this morning an anti-terror raid recovered a cache of hundreds of pistols, rifles, and machine-guns, and arrested over a hundred men who had been trained in their use and stationed in the heart of the tourist district of Rome. These men insisted that they did not recognize the laws of Italy, and that they only answered to the will of a man they called “the Holy Father”.

Arresting officers discovered dozens of lethal HK MP7 submachine guns, SIG MKPO submachine guns with folding stocks, and dozens of Glock 9mm pistols, all specifically chosen because they could be hidden under the sect’s bizarre religiously-motivated clothing in crowded tourist areas.

Also recovered were dozens of swords, polearms, and a variety of medieval suits of armor. “Whoever this ‘Swiss Guard’ think they are,” said one investigating officer, “they never threw away a single weapon”.

The group’s fundamentalist beliefs are a direct threat to modern society. They allow no women in their ranks – a fact investigators credit with speeding their discovery, as no legitimate normal organization could maintain such blatant sexism in modern society for any length of time.

The cult’s leader “Holy Father”, aka Jorge Bergoglio, was also arrested in the sting. Despite his repeated insistence that his was a peaceful organization dedicated only to helping the needy, goods worth ten billion dollars were recovered in the group’s vast multi-building hideout. When asked if a legitimate charity organization could acquire this level of wealth, several responding officers started laughing, long and loud, and show no signs of ever stopping.

More religious news of divine intercessation:

10.28.14
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Second Coming Recorded In Gay Porn Video

Christians around the world were shocked by the return of their Lord and Saviour, the one true Jesus Christ, on the set of Porksabre Battle With Jabba The Butt. While unexpected — and posing considerable challenges for future stained glass artists — the appearance does accord with known ecumenical theory.

Theoretical theologians have long understood that since only men can be priests, the penis must act as a divine signal receiver. (With an average penis length of 15 centimeters, assuming that the Way and the Light moves at the standard light speed of 300,000,000 m/s, this would give God a frequency of 2 Gigahertz and place divine transmissions in the UHF band).

It seems the cast of the hardcore production achieved the exact resonant configuration to receive holy transmissions, a task they achieved in the same way people have improved signal reception throughout history. By banging it and wiggling it about a bit. Dick Hammer has gone on record to confirm that the position does involve some kneeling, so people have at least been getting that bit right all this time.

At time of press the returned Lord had arrived in the Vatican, and seemed confused about the awkward reception of his new disciples.

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08.08.14
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Vatican Wonders If World Sure About Letting Women Drive

THE VATICAN last night wondered aloud if the world was sure about issuing driving licenses to women.

“I mean, we don’t even trust them to be priests, and that’s a job with the most thorough instruction manual ever printed” a Vatican spokesman told assembled reporters. “Though you do have to skip over the bits about selling your daughters into slavery. God himself apparently tells us that women can’t be trusted to talk to people and read from a book, and you’re letting them control tons of speeding metal?”

“I mean, priests never have to respond to new situations. We tell them what to do and excommunicate the hell out of them if they disobey. Because true spiritual well-being means only obeying orders. A woman behind the wheel would have to react to things, think for herself, and have the same abilities as a man. I mean, she might even be driving somewhere for sex. It’s shocking is what it is.”

In response to almost immediate criticism of the question, the Vatican quickly wheeled out Pope Francis to publicly talk to some women, act really nice about it, and infallibly fail to do anything about the actual issue.

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