Fellow executives, my name is Dick Jones, and it gives me great pleasure to relaunch OCP’s flagship law enforcement product. Sure, I know what you’re thinking – “Dick Jones is dead!” – but if there was ever a time law enforcement had to listen to the voices of dead men, well, that’s right now. Because 2015 is the perfect time to relaunch the ED-209.
In the last thirty years, every flaw in our Enforcement Droid series has become a major plus:
- ED-209 gives suspects a full twenty seconds warning before shooting them to death.
- The fact it could easily be outrun by a child means it’s highly unlikely to publicly execute a child, on camera.
- Complete lack of arms means it’s impossible for the droid to choke an unarmed, outnumbered, already restrained man to death.
- Incredibly high caliber twin automatic cannons ensure that ED could never, ever pretend that a suspect had somehow shot themselves from inside a locked car with their hands cuffed behind their back.
- When people run from this murderous public projection of capital enforcement, people will completely understand the reaction, and not think the person running must have done something to deserve it.
- The only person ED publicly executed without even the thought of facing consequences was a rich white man. Shit, that’s practically progress.
More movie expansion with
I was very worried about the new RoboCop, and I’m very happy to have been very wrong.
Luckily he seems the forgiving type.
Growing up I watched the original so often it’s been installed as one of my prime directives. Trailers for RoboCop 2014 didn’t leave me hopeful, but I’m delighted to report that it’s the Inverse Trailer Effect: shitty movies can look awesome because they’ve been built to sucker people in with best bits which can be reduced to a minute of five-second smashes, and awesome movies can look shitty because all the best bits won’t fit in five-second smashes. Robocop 2014 is the latter.
Now a NO SPOILER checklist of essential RoboReasons fans should see the new movie.
- Brutal evisceration of modern media bias: YES
- Gorgeous callback to original RoboCop design: DOUBLE-YES
- Villains who are unquestionably assholes: YES
- Upgrade of original message to suit the times: YES
- Sequences the original would have included if they could only have dreamed of having the special effects to pull them off: YES
And most importantly
- Famous Quotes From The Original, Multiple:
- – Cool line used seamlessly: CHECK
- – Cool line crowbarred in a bit but you don’t mind because it’s the best one: CHECK
- – Cool line used in brilliant inversion of original meaning: CHECK! SCREENWRITING BONUS!
The movie understands (just as the original did) that simply standing there and shooting bad guys while invulnerable isn’t a compelling plot. Despite being the plot of most action movies. There are a couple of glorious show-off sequences, like the original drug factory shooting gallery, but the plot progression doesn’t depend on fights getting bigger until you end up with tough-guys-throwing-each-other-through-a-steelmill. It’s a classic RoboCop final showdown, but with a new solution to fit the new Robo. I’m still annoyed that Officer Lewis was testicled for no reason other than “they already have a woman”. On the upside, Clara Murphy is an actual character instead of the feared self-propelled tear-lubricated wet blanket.
It’s not a retread of the original, it’s a new movie, and rather a good one. It’s how a RoboRemake should work: a genuine rebuild, using cool parts from the originals (even salvaging a couple of concepts from RoboCop 2), fleshed out with their own new material, and released into the civilian population to kick ass.
More movie fun with Pacific Rim: The Story of the Irish Jaeger and 5 Sequels Made By People Who Must Not Have Seen The Original.