Breda O’Brien Inducted Into Irish Language (As Expletive)

Conradh na Gaeilge this morning confirmed that Breda O’Brien is being inducted into the Irish language. The new verb, “brédaobrien”, obeys the standard gaelicization procedure of “stick a fada on it”, and means “to retard, hold back, or otherwise impede normal progress”.

“Breda O’Brien’s writings really speak to Ireland’s history”, a spokeswoman told reporters after they’d patiently sat through the original Irish presentation, “Specifically those bits of history we’re still dealing with despite all our best efforts to learn from them and move forward. We can only hope that compressing everything she stands for into a single word will complete her life’s work. So that she can stop. Writing. So that she can stop writing and embarrassing us all so much.”

The spokeswoman went on to tell a humorous anecdote about how her child had bredaobrien’d their whole morning, screaming and refusing to get ready for school because she didn’t get the ice-cream she wanted.

Only hours old, the word is already finding widespread use. On my way to work this morning I passed three farmers performing linguistic nominalization as they struggled to extricate a tractor which had sunk into a bog. “It’s being a right brédaobrien of a thing this morning”, one swore. In fact, so excited was I to see this new grammatical usage that I accidentally stepped in a cowpat. But I dealt with this the same way anyone deals with a brédaobrien: cleaned away all the shite, and got on with moving forward.


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BREAKING NEWS: Iona Institute Melting

Pacific Atlantic Rim: The Story of the Irish Jaeger

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BREAKING NEWS: Iona Institute Melting

As incoming referendum results reveal a landslide victory for marriage equality, bystanders reports that the Iona Institute is collapsing into itself in clouds of toxic vapour. David Quinn was seen staggering into the street, pink skin-paint sloughing off to reveal a villainous green, screeching “I’M MELTING!” as he collapsed into a puddle.

Professor Stuaim was on hand to explain the bizarre changes.
“It’s a simple reversal of Disney Resurrection Syndrome: instead of a hero being revived by love, the overwhelming positive feelings blanketing the country are cutting off the hate the Iona Institute requires to survive. Without the constant external oppression needed to hold their shape, they’re collapsing back into the scum and vitriol of which they’re made.”

Our reporters obtained one last quote from the oil-slicked puddle of Quinn. “What a fair and loving world!” it cried before sluicing down a storm drain. The viscous remains of the Institute are expected to be washed away by the sheer volume of celebratory prosecco popped around the city by nightfall.


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Catholic Bishops Reassure No Voters: ” This Time We Won’t Look Like Backwards Idiots”

Letters from Catholic bishops are being read at masses assuring No voters that — unlike all previous cases of the Church opposing progress — this time they wouldn’t look like backwards idiots trying to keep an entire country in the Dark Ages.

The Archbishop of Dublin told reporters “In the past the Church has opposed contraception and divorce. We’ve burned women at the stake, tortured people to death, and ignored facts quite literally supported by the entire sky. More recently we’ve opposed the education of children, and even fought against the American Equal Rights Act.”

“We’ve had a lot of practice opposing things that later turned out to be the most basic progress of human rights. So we’re pretty sure that this time we’ve finally found something which won’t cast us as pantomime villains. I mean, we’re hardly even sexist any more.”

At this point Diarmuid had to bend hear a reporter in the front row.

“Well, no, we don’t allow women to be priests. Is that sexist?”

More muttering.

“Jesus. Well, come on now, it’s been almost twenty years since we last enslaved women to work in Magdalene Laundries, that’s got to count for something, right? Surely we’re a moral authority again by now. It’s not like we’ve been sexually abusing kids for a century and then covering it up or anything.”

More muttering.

“Ah, but that’s got to be some individuals. You can’t say the entire structure of Catholic moral authority was used purely to preserve its own power and traditions quite literally at the expense of an entire generation?”

Really quite urgent muttering now, and the rustling of reports by the government and the UN Committee Against Torture.

“Oh Christ.”

At this point Diarmuid staggered off stage and stopped even pretending to be able to tell other people what was moral or not. When asked for further comment he told reporters “For God’s sake, why are you still listening to us? Go ask SIPTU or something. They’ve done a better job of guiding you than we have.”


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Tightened Post-Fukushima Regulations Detect Thousands of Leaking Power Plants

In a world gripped by nuclear fear after the Fukushima disaster, tightened regulations have discovered leaks in thousands of power plants around the world. Shockingly, these unregulated breaches were discovered to be the result of cash-saving measures. The stations were purposely designed to let poisons escape into the environment to save money.

“The disasters are literally breath-taking” said project lead Dr Slake. “We visited thousands of power plants, and every single one had at least one huge leak openly pouring waste products into the surrounding area.”

The leaks include sulphur dioxide, clouds of respirable particulate matter, and are the major source of methylmercury poisoning of the food chain. Coal power plants are major contributors to the air pollution causing millions of premature deaths every year.

“No-one seemed to have noticed!” continued Dr Slake. “When we pointed to the vast plume of burning poison emanating from the middle of the plant, workers looked at us like we were mad and assured us it was entirely normal. Maybe the plume contains some psychologically-damaging toxin, but they seemed to think that a plant pumping poison into the sky day and night was working properly.”

In the wake of Fukushima several countries have pledged to cease using nuclear power, which only leaks when something goes badly wrong, and instead use systems designed to leak absolutely all the time so that people get used to it and it doesn’t’ look scary after a while. The move was applauded by groups who think wind farms ruin the view.


More power to you:

Scientists Discover Fundamental Bigot Particle

Scientists have revolutionized our understanding by discovering the bigot, the fundamental unit of intolerance. The bigot is found to be the exact opposite of dark matter: sadly all too visible in the modern universe, and all too willing to interact with other matter in a detectable way.

One of the most revealing results of the experiment was the discovering that bigots don’t need to know that they’re bigots in order to be bigots. The result was obtained by using the Large Hadron Collider to accelerate an Irish “No” Voter and a man wearing confederate flag headband to close to the speed of light and then colliding them. The experiment had to be repeated several times to overcome the immense thickness of the bigot skull and discover what — if anything — was happening inside.

“Our studies conclusively prove that bigots don’t need to know that they are bigots.” said Professor Jagarukasva. “They aren’t aware of their own bigotry. Or much of anything. For centuries people have tried explain bigot mechanics with false ideas of natural law, or entirely imaginary mathematics of the divine, but with modern technology people can easily see the truth.”

The result has sent shockwaves through the bigot community, many of whom thought they weren’t bigoted because they hadn’t completed a Bigot Declaration Form to officially register with their local Bigot Council. (Related story: UKIP wins only one seat in 2015 election.) Several others insisted that they never used “that word”, though they seemed absolutely sure their audiences knew what word they were talking about, and that they were just saying.

One of the first corollaries of this result was found by reversing it.

“Just as one does not need to declare oneself to be bigot,” continued the Professor, “one cannot simply declare oneself not to be a bigot. In the same way one cannot declare oneself not to be on fire: it doesn’t change the fact, and until the problem is solved it will continue to make things worse for the person and more unpleasant for everyone around them.”


Further research:

A Marriage Proposal

It is a melancholy object to those who walk through our towns or travel our country, when they people being happy, and are tormented by the knowledge that some of those people might be happy with others of their own gender. There’s no actual way to tell these people apart, what with them all being people, so our unhappy walker is forced to imagine the lustful acts strangers consensually commit with each other. It simply isn’t possible for them to continue on their own way, with their own life and preferences, because of the agony of the knowledge that their god is facing starvation. Below I explain why this is so, and propose a novel solution.

I confess myself inexpert the sexual behaviour of total strangers, having always considered it basic manners to be on rather good terms with someone before broaching the subject of their genitals, but several pubic-spirited groups have taken great pains to educate me and the rest of the country, assuring us that these same-sex marriages be a serious crime against a god.

As to my own part, I must admit I fail to understand how the sexuality of strangers requires divine intervention. I will admit that the concept has been raised on some occasion when I’ve been involved, but must humbly report that the level of theological discussion rarely raised above repetition. Indeed, it displayed all the signs of rather poor argument, with the only evolution on each iteration being an increase of volume, but I’m happy to report that everyone involved in the vigorous discussion considered it a roaring success. But I digress.

I inquired upon a prominent member of one of the aforementioned groups to enlighten me. It is generally accepted that around one in ten people might be attracted to their own sex. With twenty thousand marriages per year in our country, the proposed decimation of heterosexual marriage would be about two thousand unions per year, approximately five and a half matrimonies per day, or one sacrament every four point four hours. Apparently the lord and savior is operating on such thin margins that even this small decline would prove an unsustainable strain on the heavenly budget.

I could not get a clear answer as to what consecrated fuel could possibly be extracted from a heterosexual couple on their wedding night, but apparently it only works when the genitals are arranged and connect to each other in a specific way. I asked if the group was confused. Perhaps they were thinking of electrical sockets, or maybe a very simple jigsaw intended for the edification of children? No, I was told, they didn’t understand what I meant by that. They just wanted to be in charge of all human love and affection.

That seemed rather beyond the remit of someone’s personal preferences, but I still considered their problem as I walked away, as it seemed to plague them. And only the most heartless imitation of a human being could let others exist in suffering, tormented by questions of externally enforced legality versus their own deepest feelings. I decided it was my duty to find a solution.

In the manner of someone caring for a friend’s sickly pet I first had to work out what it required for sustenance. And I must exhibit great care, as surely anything which can be damaged by the kindness of strangers (not even the pet, but to each other!) must be among the most vulnerable creations in existence. It occurs that perhaps this god has become rather too refined in its diet, in the manner of the panda bears which can only survive on a specific sort of bamboo, and as a result must face extinction in the face of a changing environment. But still, the panda is an adorable animal, and can provide some solace to those who enjoy its continued existence. Maybe this god is the same. It is the duty of the beneficent human to find some way of preserving such entertaining companions.

Indeed, it seems their sustaining sacrament could be quite easily provided. If their god is somehow diminished by fewer acceptable marriages, it falls upon them to increase how often they get married. This should not present a problem with the modern convenience of divorce, which doesn’t seem to offend their pet spirit in the same way an incorrect marriage does. In fact, if one can get married to feed it, and divorced without incident, even one faithful couple could presumably fill their lord to bursting by getting divorced each morning and remarried in the evening. Careful timing could synchronise their wedding cake with dessert for each day’s dinner, providing a considerable saving in the daily as well as the divine food budget.

Of course, not all No campaigners find it so easy to get married. For some reason people prepared to put their own obscure theological definitions over other people’s happiness can have difficulty finding love. Others insist that only the fruitful union of a mother and a father to produce a child can appease them, but like all people of good character I tend to ignore those who publicly insult orphans and widows.

But in the interests of the common good I shall solve their problem. I humbly offer that those who wish to prevent people in love from sharing the joys of marriage can show their support for heterosexually-hearted relationships and procreation in the most direct possible way.

They can get married on their own, and fuck themselves.


More marriage equality:

Ireland’s No Voters Start Campaigning Against Electricity

The group leading the No campaign in the Marriage Equality referendum today announced that they will also be voting to ban electricity.

“Far too many people are enjoying electricity in ways we don’t understand or appreciate,” said spokesperson Fuath Dúr, by the light of a whale-blubber lantern she held aloft in a darkened conference room. “Unnatural electricity can be used to transmit new information, to connect Ireland with the outside world, to improve the situation for everyone in the country, and is generally understood as one of the most basic signs of a civilized nation in the twenty-first century. In short, electricity is everything we’re opposed to.”

Further comments were cut off as the lantern set off the hotel’s fire alarm. This forced a massive public services response to her stupid insistence on backwards ideas. Scorched notes recovered from the room by emergency services were found to read “We already have natural animal fat”, “FEAR! FEAR OTHERS, DIVIDE YOUR LIFE INTO HATE AND OBEDIENCE!”, and “The sweet little innocent baby Jesus didn’t have electricity, did he now? Or married parents. But don’t think too hard about that bit.”

The Iona Institute was quick to support the initiative, because the private limited company been paid specifically to do so. “We fully support this initiative” said Iona Institute commandant Rabid Sin, who didn’t stop counting money during our entire interview. Great fat wodges of it. All in brown envelopes marked Tax Free Charity, Apparently, Please Laugh While Delivering To Bank. “We can confirm that the Iona Institute has used electricity to spread nothing but hate and suffering, and the sooner this problem is ended the better.”

The Institute could not be reached for follow-up questions, as they had been paid to lobby for their own organs to be stripped and recycled, and then immediately done so without a moment’s reflection or human thought.


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Fixing Labour’s Tombstone of Ideals

Ed Milliband made a few mistakes. First: emulating Moses. Second: everything he wrote. But I’m a writer, so I’m happy to help.

tombstone fixed

Bonus irony: they want to plant it in the Downing Street’s garden to  show that Labour’s ideals are “set in stone”, but limestone is horribly vulnerable to acid rain and will be eroded by environmental changes.


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Pope Francis Urges Faithful to BREED FOR THE BREED GOD

Pope Francis strode onto the balcony overlooking St Peter’s square wearing his finest magical-celibate robes to exhort the faithful. “BREED FOR THE BREED GOD! SOULS FOR THE SOUL THRONE!”

“God needs babies!” cried the Holy Father, who would get in serious trouble if he was ever actually a father. “It’s selfish not to have children! We didn’t quite exterminate all competing religions in the military phase of this Religion Time Strategy game, so now we need more workers in the economy phase. I mean, don’t get us wrong, we tried. We wiped out thousands of innocent paganisms and crusaded hard to slaughter the rest, but now it’s all about the numbers.”

“We need you to increase production” Francis continued, raising arms draped in brocaded robe to make a vigorous finger-through-ok gesture. “Wink wink” he added, out loud.

The International Hypocrisy Court remains unable to prosecute the Pope for these statements, as paintings of paintings of St Francis in the incalculable wealth-vault of the Vatican continue to overload their hypocrisy detectors.

“We haven’t exactly been subtle about this!” continued Francis. “Sexual health education, bodily autonomy, women’s rights, we’ve opposed anything and everything which might even slightly reduce the number of even accidental births, no matter the cost. But it’s not enough! Other religions still exist! Forget increasing our spiritual market share and ludicrous income, if people realize how there seem to be several dozen simultaneous one true gods, they might reach some absolutely basic but extremely inconvenient conclusions.”

He raised his arms to the sky.

“The Breed God cares not from whom the seed flows, only that it flows! Lay down more overcrowded faithful at His feet! Ask us how we’re sure He’s a He to see how modern our attitudes are! Souls for the soul throne! Because anyone who could look at the modern world and think ‘This needs a lot more people’ definitely isn’t going with ancient instructions instead of evidence.”

“Previous gods of suffering and bloodshed favored war. That’s amateur hour. Our god understands that the best way to maximize suffering and hardship is to pump out as many people as possible. Overload the resources! Collapse the system! The more people left desperate for succor, the better for us! We’ll get people back into church even if it’s the only standing room left for people who trying to avoid the Soylent trucks!”

Pope Francis then answered some questions from the crowd.

“No, I don’t think it’s hypocritical to guilt-trip people into having more children while talking about how Christian it is to protect the environment.”

“Yes, I still think you should hit kids. Jesus, stop going on about that. Have ’em, hit ’em, do what you like, just keep us on top of the census figures.”

“Of course people should take child-rearing advice from an organization which has to explain it’s not a euphemism when they say they’re in favor of having kids.”


More spiritual insight:

New Health Initiative “Just Happens” To Make More Shitloads More Money, Insists Government

“Most Irish adults drink too much and many drink dangerously” said Mr Vradakar, government-appointed Health Minister and self-appointed granny to every family in the country, introducing plans to raise the cost of drink. The new proposals would raise the minimum cost of wine and at least double the price of cheap beer.

He confirmed that fact Irish people are already drinking 20 pc less than five years ago, with a continual downward trend, was not having the desired effect government revenues. Health, he meant health.

“It is not anticipated that there will be any significant benefit to the Exchequer.” said Mr Vradakar. “Nearly doubling the price of things could never do that”, he presumably added, before equally presumably explaining that people with a habit lifetime habit of drinking will just stop immediately with no ill effects the moment it became a problem. So the new prices definitely weren’t targeting the poorest in society with increased government taxes.

When asked whether this deep concern for the public health wouldn’t be better served by increasing funding to substance abuse recovery and support services, or maybe increasing funding to desperately overloaded hospitals and emergency services, Mr Vradakar laughed. “No no no, increasing services and support for people costs money.” His voice adopted the tone of one explaining simplicity to a small child. “COSTS money. This MAKES money. MAKES GOOD. COSTS BAD.”

Mr Vradakar clarified that this attempt to end the pervasive, all-dominating influence of drink on Irish culture would in no way affect the pervasive, all-dominating sponsorship by drink of Irish sporting events.
“It is not this government’s intention to in hamper the freedoms or personal liberties of gigantic corporations. We’re only interested in targeting the poor.” he explained. “I’d have thought that was perfectly clear by now.”

Victims of the increased prices will however get something for their money. Cigarette packet-style health warnings on every can are expected to generate at least three million incidents of hilarious feckers slugging a can, then suddenly acting stunned and shouting “Jaysus, lads, this stuff’s bad for you!”


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