Updates to Nipple Regulations

nipples

  • Remember that nipples may only be displayed when labeled with a Y chromosome invisible to the naked eye.
  • Since nonfunctional male nipples may be safely disported, impotent genitals may now also be flopped in public.
  • Functional nipples may not be displayed in public. Functional firearms are fine.
  • It has come to our attention that around 10% of men may be excited by the sight of male nipples. For this reason a random one in ten men will be selected and forbidden from showing their nipples in public, yet constantly exhorted to show their nipples in public.
  • Remember that you can billboard more curves than the Monaco grand prix circuit as long as you don’t show reveal an areola. To remain consistent with this, you may now also publicly display your ass as long as you don’t show the anus, the vulva as long as you don’t show the vaginal opening, and the penis as long as you do not show the entrance of the urethra.
  • If you wish to breastfeed in public, please assure passersby that you are actually advertising shampoo.
  • Should the she-devil persist in advertising the devil’s tacks, aye, she shall be transported to the new continent. (INTERNAL NOTE: we may need to review the wording here)
  • Moobs are fine even when far exceeding the size and pendulosity of breasts.
  • Ladynips remain bad because they remind a small group of old white men of sex. Maybe other people too, but it’s important that we utterly disconnect a small group of men from regular life then put them in charge of it. And everybody knows that the most pleasurable act of love people can share that’s required for the survival of the species is the worst thing there could ever be.
  • Guns: still fine. Stick ’em on the side of buses to sell toys to children.
  • Okay, tell you what, we’ll use this inter-net thing to see what else is sexy and we’ll ban that too.
  • Holy crap, sandals are now banned you filthy footmerchants.
  • Armpits must now be covered at all times.
  • If we see you open your mouth you’ll be fined for public indecency.
  • OH MY GOD MY LITTLE PONIES MAY NOW ONLY BE BOUGHT IN SEALED LEAD-LINED BOXES.

Remember, be able to publicly display your nipples to claim your bonus thirty cents per dollar!

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One thought on “Updates to Nipple Regulations

  1. “For this reason a random one in ten men will be selected and forbidden from showing their nipples in public, yet constantly exhorted to show their nipples in public.”

    That line was so perfect I was at once amused and awed by the insight. You blinded me with subtle feminist social commentary (a close second to being blinded by science). It’s nice to know the U.S. isn’t the only country with confusing nipple obsession/hatred.

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