Every day people ask “How do you start writing?”, blissfully unaware that the answer is the last two words of their own question.
Behold, five fruits of my writing experience:
1. Curtains.
Non-writers often have to wear clothes to work and can be driven to distracted jealousy by your flopping freedom. Just as houses protect us from the elements by suffering the wind and rain for us, they can protect us from the pruderies of other people by wearing these large rectangles of cloth for us as well.
2. Talking to cats is perfectly normal.
The warning sign is when they talk back, but if they provide good material keep going and don’t tell anyone.
3. Never Rush A Manhattan.
This cocktail is an entire philosophy of work-life balance. Don’t hassle to hurry a quick pleasure in before an important piece of work. That only ruins both. Spend the extra time indulging in working well, and you’ll enjoy everything more whether you take any time off or not.
(And write about your pleasures as often as possible).
4. Eat.
You haven’t discovered a deep and awful emptiness in your ability as a writer, you’ve just written through lunch again.
5. We’re The Luckiest People Ever
If you’re having trouble with your writing, remember ahahaha holy shit people pay me to read and think and talk. Your job is learning new things and then learning about yourself through them. We’re being paid to upgrade ourselves in public.
I unleash more freelance joy with 6 Reasons Writing for the Internet is the Best Job Ever, and if you’ve always wanted to write you can get on with it right now.
Luke Writes What You Read 
haha love for the manhatten, now there’s a person i’d share a cocktail with!
Truly it is the finest cocktail.
Tip 5 is the best. Every day I see ordinary mortals scuttling hurried to work. Then I turn to my computer, browse porn for two hours, and get to “work.” Occasionally I nap. Sometimes I pretend I’ll get started on “that article I’m totally going to write for Cracked.”
Then more nap.
Reblogged this on Scribbles by Jocelyn and commented:
I ran into this one during an absent minded cruise through Cracked. While, I am unwilling to unleash all secrets of my trade, I will share the following regarding the fruits of writing experience:
#1: Nothing will be admitted or denied.
#2: Yes and the conversations are frequently more intelligent.
#3: Beer. It’s a drink and lunch at the same time.
#4: You mean beer doesn’t count?
#5: YES. Although, there are days I need to remind myself of that frequently.
Enjoy, folks–although I am likely only one of three people who did not see this previously.