You’ll have noticed from the few minutes of blessed silence that your C-3PO unit has been downloading its very first software patch. We realize that forty years is a long time to wait for an emergency update, but we’ve been busy somehow becoming a galactic robotics company despite copying our only model from something made by an nine year old slave out of junk in his spare time.

But better late than never! If major motion pictures which are meant to be about laser-swashbuckling can dedicate endless screentime to a mincing whiner, the least we can do is update its software! (Besides, the only other particle of Star Wars which hasn’t already been written up into four extended novels and a comic series is “Instructions for Wookie Lice Shampoo”).

Patch notes:

• Software now compensates for an accidentally-reversed verbal diode which caused the C-3PO to constantly talk when it wasn’t needed, and to say what it thought instead of directly translating when it heard alien languages. Turns out this is the exact opposite of what a translator is meant to do!
• WARNING: extended exposure to C-3PO bronzium coating will interfere with the flying rocket motors and harpoon guns of R2 units, because extended exposure to C-3PO makes everything of every kind start to suck.
• C-3PO can now tell when he’s pissing people off. Which you’d have thought a protocol droid would be able to do in the first place. I mean, the entire point of a protocol droid is to make things go more smoothly between other parties, not annoy everyone all by itself. But what can you expect from a child worker so whiny that when he builds a robot to help his slave mother, he doesn’t build a killdroid to vaporize her shackles with laser eyes, but builds something to help her please her masters better?
• REFUND POLICY REMINDER: C-3PO unit can not be returned for refund, even though translators are so common that even one-man X-wing fighters are fitted with minor sub-screens which can translate things like astromech droids just as easily.

“I know we could junk him and stick this screen on a watch, R2, but if you want a divorce you’ll have to tell him yourself.”

• POST ANNOYANCE STRESS DISORDER WARNING: C-3PO is so annoying that even people who live in a desert with nothing else to look at for their entire lives will still completely forget that they’ve ever seen him.

“Luke, for some reason I have no memory of ever seeing this droid before, but something deep inside is telling me to tell you to get it away from me as fast as possible.”

WARRANTY NOTICE: C-3PO units still break apart like full-body Mr Potato Heads. When customers inevitably decide to smash the golden ninny into chunks, we feel it should burst apart in a shower of gold like a video game villain, but even more satisfying to kill. It’s not a bug, it’s a feature ;)

Feel the ridiculously dangerous plasma flow through you with Lightsaber-Chucks in 8 Fictional Weapons Too Dangerous To Actually Use, enjoy 5 Awe-Inspiring Stars which — unlike the Wars — don’t suck the more of them you see, or bring balance to the sci-fi-mockery by laughing at the The Worst Moments In Star Trek Movie History.