Martini Day: James Bond Hates This One Simple Trick!

June 19th is Martini Day, aka “The 170th best excuse to enjoy a Martini so far this year“, and it’s the one day everyone can easily outperform 007. Because the  vodka martini — shaken, not stirred — is the worst thing you can have a bartender do to that cocktail short of drinking it an hour before serving it warm.

"Classic martini by Ken30684" by Ken30684 - Flickr. Licensed under CC BY 2.0 via Wikimedia Commons.

(Source: Ken30684)

I like to think that Bond is actually an athletic idiot, his perfect style the result of an overtaxed support team providing his clothes, his cars, even his conversation over wireless relays. The skilled brains are far too valuable to risk in the field so they hook through through an expendable series of athletic drones. Idiotic violence savants happy to parrot everything they hear while waiting for the next excuse to smash things. If they weren’t secret agents they’d be football hooligans. And the one place Bond is allowed to exert his own choice, he screws it up. Imagine him applying that taste to everything else.

  • “Vodka martini, shaken, not stirred.”
  • “Kobe steak, well done, not rare. Burnt actually. With a little dish of ketchup.”
  • “Aston martin, beige, not silver. With leopard skin seats.”
  • “I’ll leave this YouTube video windowed, in standard resolution, so that I can read the comments.”

I think the drink’s an MI6 Psyop. They’re checking how many people will do something because they’ve been told it’s cool in stark defiance of every sense. Once we hit a critical percentage of poorly poured mixed drinks they’ll enact a sinister Phase Two, so please, Drink For Freedom with these helpful articles!

Better Bond Cocktails from Connery to Craig

I use my al-q-holic expertise to design better drinks for each actor to take the role. Why Brosnan drinks gin, the liquid Moore, and what makes Craig the toughest?

Why Vodkatinis Are Actually a Good Thing

If someone says the prefer gin, they’re right, but only because everyone who chooses their own drink is always right. But if they say vodkatinis shouldn’t exist they’re saying there should be less drink in the world and that way isn’t even madness. Enjoy the original Kangaroo cocktail and find out how it leapt around the world.

The Glory of Gin

Yes, vodka is useful. So is a hammer but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t rather listen to somebody playing the piano.

The Martini Infinity

Cocktail recipes are only starting points. And starting points lead everywhere fun. The range of ratios includes the alcoholic antimatter, the Oppenheimer, the inverse and even the infinite. Find your favorite by enjoying the search!

The Martini Madness Experiment

Some youthful arrogance in the silly insistence on gin as an elite instead of as an option, but I punish myself with ginfused jalapenos and the appalliquid that is the Bacontini. Which only prove that mistakes bring wisdom. And are tremendous fun.

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4 thoughts on “Martini Day: James Bond Hates This One Simple Trick!

  1. Hello Luke McKinney, let me just start off with saying I’m a big Fan of yours and enjoy reading all your stuff. But the reason I write to you is not just for praise but because I have an alcohol related dilemma:
    My parents decided to throw out their cocktail mixing alcohol stash (which they totally only used for backing…). In a desperate attempt to save these bottled beverages, I quickly convinced them I wanted to take up cocktail making. Problem is I know NOTHING about cocktails. alas this was the only way to save said cocktail ingredients.

    So my question is do you know any recipes containing the following (some names may be in german):
    -Ameretto
    -Amour de Poire
    -Alte Excellenz (Rum I believe)
    -Bürgy (type of Schnapps)
    -Birnenschnaps
    -various other schnapps’s
    -Cognac
    -Drambuie (something with scotch)
    -Glenfiddich (whiskey)
    -Kirschwasser (a fruit Brandy according to the other wiki)
    -Pitú (another schnapps)
    -Liqueur

    Can anything be done with this collection? Or should I just find people to give it away to?

    Sorry for the long email. Hope to hear from you soon.
    Kind regards,
    Thomas

    • You can ALWAYS do something with a bottle collection. Learning how is the start of the fun!
      A good start is the Godfather, a great use of any scotch and amaretto, found here.
      Various schnapps and fizzy drinks or fruit juices can work, have fun experimenting.
      Drambuie and scotch with a bit of ice and lemon for a rusty nail (don’t use good scotch, but it’s a great way of fixing not good scotch)
      Rum and ginger beer and lime (and bitters if you like) is the Dark and Stormy, my #1 Guest Entertaining Formula.
      Those are some good starting points. And there are a lot of fun sites where you can input a few bottles and get a list of drinks to try!

  2. This keeps making me twitch, and I’m not even a massive James Bond fan, but…

    … yes, shaking it waters it down like hell and using vodka makes it comparatively tasteless, but that’s kind of the point. When Bond orders one of these, he’s *working*. He wants to be seen to be drinking but he doesn’t want to get drunk, so he’s ordering a shitty, watered-down drink with enough arrogance to make it look like he’s being stylish because it covers the fact that he’s getting his drinks watered the hell down.

    He’s an intelligence operative on a mission, not a man out to enjoy his drinking.

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